Where did the time go?

What are these lines I see at the corners of my eyes when I look in the mirror?

Why is it so much harder to get up from a kneeling position?

When did I start thinking ‘man, kids are stupid these days’?

When did I stop being one of those stupid kids?

Twenty years ago today, a stupid kid walked across a stage and received her baccalaureate degree from St. Francis Xavier University in Antigonish, N.S.

My eyes were as bright and hopeful as my hair was big and blond. I think my demeanour was as perky as my … ah, wait, let’s not go there.

A career in journalism — seeing and writing and reading about some fairly horrible topics — and a variety of my own life experiences have left me forever jaded.

Mostly.

I turn the clock on my 40th year this summer. A few years ago, I went through a series of ‘I should’ thoughts in my head.

‘I should be married.’

‘I should have kids.’

‘I should be more financially stable.’

And it stressed me out.

Immature is a word that boring people use to describe fun people. ~ Will Ferrell

But I chose to let go of all those pressures and concentrate on what I could do.

I could work towards paying down my debt load.

(I have.)

I could wait to fall in love when someone was willing to do the same in return.

(I did.)

I could get to know my four amazing nieces better and enjoy the lives they’re leading.

(I’m working on it.)

And I could focus on enjoying life as I know it — opening my eyes and mind wider, putting more miles on my truck and recording it all with my camera and my keyboard.

As much as possible, I try to embrace my time away from the office with a childlike enthusiasm and this midlife crisis of sorts has left me more content, more relaxed and happier.

Oh, but don’t worry … I retain my caustic wit.

If only for your entertainment.

 

 

5 thoughts on “Where did the time go?

  1. It feels a bit lurid, peeking into your life via your blog, but then again, this is the point of a blog, I guess. I dabbled in it myself, however, I never was brave enough to open the flood gates.

    What caught me, was your talking about the big 40 (Where did the time go?)… and the short list of regrets/expectations you spelled out for yourself. And I could so relate.

    Zen philosophy tells us it’s our expectations that are the problem. And I guess intellectually we can agree, but at the same time… Why am I not married (more pointedly, in a relationship that would warrant that), why don’t I have children and why aren’t my finances in order, are all things I have asked myself over the last couple of years. Sometimes it pisses me off. If I am to never marry, or have kids, at least I should be free to travel… but not even that is available, because of the
    third.

    Last year I had my tubes tied, I don’t want to be a single mother, and the clock has wound-out on that subject for me. I cut the threads of hope, quite literally, so that I don’t have to think about the why’s anymore… or at least less often now.

    I too went to journalism school, King’s College, and worked in the field for a few years. I was the activist type, always getting my nose dirty. However, the chronic lack of pay and limited local opportunities made me change course and take over my father’s fishing gear. But I always wished I could have made a go of it in that field. I admire you for that…

    Romantically, I read with interest you list of boyfriends. I guess we all have a few like that. I have the need to save them, thinking if I make myself indispensable in their lives, they won’t dispense of me. Hasn’t proven to work. Love has eluded me to this point in my life. Oh, I love… but I have not been loved. So when you found your man, I was raised up with you. Maybe there’s someone out there, once I figure out why I keep choosing someone else? My current man is a gorgeous, intelligent, sexy and exotic guy – women swarm to him, but he doesn’t love me. He wants me in his life, but doesn’t love me. Which makes me sad and insecure at times. My love for him is a Damocles Sword over my head – I will be hurt, yet again – but when?

    Then, I searched back, and read about your boyfriend’s violence towards you, back in the McDonald’s days. I remember you well then, you were so pretty and bright (still are) but I think I remember the change in you… a darkness that swept over you. It’s weird isn’t it… how we all thought we knew so much, and how in retrospect we can see how innocent we were. And how it was all lost. I am truly sorry for what happened to you, and wished I was a friend you could have talked to then, but I guess we were never as close as we likely should have been, given our commonality. News and Shoes!

    Nonetheless, I am glad you are recovering from this mess called life, and are getting to happy. To me happiness has always been like one of those balance balls at the gym… like balance, happiness is fleeting and takes strength to maintain, but it’s obvious to me you’re strong – those legs! – and you will find your center!

    Go Grrrl! Rock them shoes!!

  2. Susan,

    Thank you so much for your words. I am always lifted up when I realize my writing has touched someone, has related to anyone. I remember one therapist once looked at me and said ‘you are not special, you are not unique, your experiences are really quite common.’ It was a shocking and eye-opening moment, but it was oddly comforting knowing that I was not alone.

    My greatest therapy, of course, is writing and since I know you are one at heart, I implore to put your thoughts to paper or screen. They don’t have to be shared with anyone but yourself. They just have to be written.

    And while you’re at it, don’t waste too much time on that gorgeous, sexy man. Learn and take from him what you need but toss him before he gets the chance to do it to you.

    At all costs, my love, carpe diem. Suck all the marrow out of the bone.

  3. Dale Bass says:

    And along comes Dale…. Ang, my dear, I remember when you were 30. I’m fascinated about you being 40 and will likely celebrate with you when you hit 50. But remember this, my dearest friend, I’m always gonna be way older than you!!!

    Hugs.

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